UK Politics & Public Life
Roof Management speeds up justice by slowing down the jury
Reported jury trial reforms promise faster justice, but the jury is still waiting in the corridor while the backlog grows.
Fenella Sprocket
Fenella received her doctorate after completing an online personality test which described her as “highly analytical.” She approaches every scientific breakthrough with rigorous scepticism unless it has been forwarded to her by somebody called Carol. Her current research concerns whether drinking water is still good for you or whether they've changed that again.
Lawn & Order
Government tightens rules on chemicals after discovering chemicals have rules
Eileen Craddock is ready to license the seeds, after Whitehall discovered that a dangerous chemical can arrive in an ornament’s charming little costume.
Uncategorized
Engineering Firm Solves Supplier Delay by Buying Supplier, Its Parent Company and Most of Birmingham
Engineering firm supplier delay solved by buying the lot, up to and including a suspiciously large chunk of Birmingham.
Uncategorized
Police Solve Missing Ethnicity Data By Looking At People Until Spreadsheet Is Satisfied
New visual assessment procedure lets trained officers determine complex ethnic identity by staring professionally for up to eight seconds.
UK Politics & Public Life
Britain Solves Migrant Returns Problem by Creating European Human Roundabout
New EU wide scheme will allow asylum seekers to be returned, exchanged, rerouted and occasionally discovered in Belgium.
Transport
Budget MOT Centre Introduces Complimentary Tyre Screw With Every Pass
A budget MOT centre turns every passing car into tomorrow’s tyre repair.
Science & Technology
£12m Smart Factory Still Controlled by 2004 Computer Nobody Is Allowed to Touch
Staff say the ageing beige tower remains "central to Industry 4.0" because nobody understands what will happen if it dies.
UK Politics & Public Life
Failed Asylum Seekers Reassured Rejection Will Not Affect Their Accommodation
Officials confirm that "no right to remain" remains entirely compatible with remaining.
Travel & Transport
Airport Confirms Goodbyes Remain Free at Home
New Loved One Levy ensures nobody reaches the terminal without making an appropriate emotional contribution to aviation.
Travel & Transport
Rail Industry Identifies 14-Minute Window When Tracks Are Neither Too Wet Nor Too Dry
Passengers advised to keep bags packed in case Britain briefly reaches acceptable dampness.