The Royal Navy has officially opened Britain’s newest strategic submarine base in a suburban back garden after defence officials discovered that using the actual sea would require eleven separate forms and a meeting about tides.
HMS Shallow End, a six foot ornamental pond behind a semi detached house, was commissioned with full military honours. The ceremony was briefly delayed when an admiral had to move a wheelie bin.
Rear Admiral Clive Puddington, Director of Domestic Maritime Superiority, said the facility represented a historic breakthrough.
“The ocean is enormous, unpredictable and notoriously wet. Here we’ve got a fence, two security cameras and someone who knows where the extension lead is.”
The Navy’s first autonomous underwater drone successfully completed a highly classified 90 second patrol between a plastic heron and a solar powered fountain.
The mission was terminated prematurely after a goldfish made an aggressive manoeuvre near the filter pump.
Defence intelligence has since classified the fish as a potentially hostile foreign submarine, although officials admitted they have yet to establish which country it works for.
A second deployment was cancelled when the homeowner announced that the pond needed cleaning.
Under newly approved military procedures, operations are now prohibited on bin day, during barbecues and whenever someone needs the garden hose.
An ambitious proposal to extend the naval base into a neighbouring paddling pool was rejected by a six year old boy who insisted it was “his sea” and demanded £40 in docking fees.
Defence contractors have nevertheless praised the programme, announcing plans for a £2 million command centre, 14 consultants and a laminated map of the rockery.
A proposed aircraft carrier has been postponed because it would block the kitchen window.
The Ministry confirmed that full scale ocean trials remain a long term objective.
“Before we can proceed,” explained Rear Admiral Puddington, “we need written confirmation that the sea has planning permission.”
