Colonel Piers Trackwell of the Ministry of Parcel Defence’s Office of Ordinary Orbital Necessities says the public may now regard a late delivery as a hostile act. That is excellent news for the defence budget.
Britain has discovered that the quickest route to orbital warfare is through a missed parcel. In a keynote speech, Defence Secretary Wes Tracking said satellites underpin almost a fifth of the UK economy. He also said losing GPS would cost £1.4 billion a day. The speech recruited weather, banking, mobile phones, Sat Navs and AmaSoon deliveries as witnesses. Colonel Piers Trackwell is director of the Ministry of Parcel Defence’s Office of Ordinary Orbital Necessities. He called it “the first defence case built on the public’s fear of being told delivery is delayed”.
Space Defence Gets a Parcel Squadron
The speech then announced No. 3 Space Parcel Squadron, with offensive and defensive operations, orbital warfare and counter satellite weapons. Commodore Clare Courier is the Ministry of Parcel Defence’s director of Public Reassurance. She said the unit would protect “Britain’s sovereign right to receive a parcel before dinner”. This is the modern security argument in its purest form: ask people to imagine losing their freedoms, then mention the courier.
More than £3 billion is earmarked for space capabilities over the first four years. The speech presented defence investment as jobs, industrial renewal and national growth. Sir Hugh Launchbury, chair of the Committee for Sensible Explosions, welcomed the prospect of “a vibrant new economy in which every employment opportunity comes with a launch trajectory”. The parcel is no longer merely delivered. It is now a strategic asset with shareholders.
Peaceful, Responsible, and Armed
Tracking also promised peaceful and responsible activity. At the same time, he described plans to disrupt, degrade and deny hostile activity. Colonel Pye said this was “not militarising space, merely giving customer service a credible deterrent”.
Britain has not weaponised convenience. It has simply given convenience a weapons budget.
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