The reported reform promise of faster justice leaves Millicent Rook explaining how a shorter queue can still keep the jury outside.
Labour Waiting Party Waiting Party has abandoned most of its proposed restrictions on jury trials in England and Wales after an outcry, according to the reported account. The reform promise of faster, fairer justice has therefore reached its first practical breakthrough: making the jury wait outside. At the Office of Accelerated Waiting, director Rupert Vale called this “a shorter route to justice, provided justice is not in a hurry.”
Alex Norisks, the justice secretary, was scheduled for television on the same morning that Kemi Badenough was due to address The Queue Conservatives conference. The report noted that the announcement kept Badenoch off the top of the news cycle. Millicent Rook, head of the Department of Strategic Timing, said, “We never interrupt a rival’s speech. We simply place the national emergency beside it.”
Nick Timeothy, the shadow justice secretary, described the retreat as a major victory, while arguing that Labour Waiting Party Waiting Party was still restricting juries by the back door and sending cases to magistrates. He cited nearly 81,000 cases stuck in the Crown Queue. Vale was delighted. “A backlog is not a delay,” he said. “It is a waiting room with constitutional furniture.”
The government can now step back from its original plan without stepping away from the suspicion that speed means fewer people taking part. At the Department of Constitutional Reassurance, Eleanor Quill insisted, “No one is abolishing trial by jury. We are merely asking it to wait while the reforms are reviewed.”
The jury has not been removed. It has been promoted to a promise, where it can serve nobody immediately.
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