A regional airport has reassured families that goodbyes remain completely free. Families simply need to complete them at least seven miles away from an aircraft.
The clarification follows the launch of its new Loved One Levy. It allows people who are not travelling anywhere to experience the financial consequences of air travel anyway.
Under the scheme, the airport automatically classifies relatives entering the terminal area as Emotionally Associated Passengers.
The emotional tariff
An Initial Goodbye costs £18. A second hug costs £9, each minute of lingering wave costs £7, and somebody’s crying mum costs £14.
The airport sells looking back through the rear window after departure as an optional £5 add-on.
Airport officials said the tariff closes a serious revenue gap. Thousands of parents had previously arrived, unloaded a suitcase, said “have a lovely time” and escaped without buying anything.
“For years we concentrated almost entirely on charging people who were actually using the airport,” said the Director of Ancillary Emotion.
“We hadn’t appreciated the enormous untapped market of people who were just helping.”
A new network of Sentiment Enforcement Cameras can identify cuddling, prolonged eye contact, boot openings and suspiciously slow separation.
Enforcement staff may issue anyone exceeding their purchased emotional allowance with a £75 Unlicensed Affection Notice. They reduce it to £40 if the person pays within 14 days and provides a written undertaking to care less next time.
Officials advise parents to regulate visible crying. Tears automatically upgrade a standard drop-off to a Significant Emotional Event.
Airport staff have also warned motorists against attempting to avoid charges by collecting relatives from nearby petrol stations.
“Buying £40 of fuel does not entitle you to use the forecourt for aviation-related happiness,” guidance states.
The airport has strongly rejected suggestions that the scheme amounts to another tax.
“A tax is money collected from somebody despite them receiving no obvious service in return,” officials explained.
“Our customers receive up to eleven minutes of premium kerbside sadness.”
Families seeking to avoid payment can instead use the free Remote Goodbye Facility. It sits sufficiently far from the terminal that passengers can transfer onto another vehicle and emotionally abandon relatives there instead.
Officials are already considering a Friends & Family Frequent Farewell Scheme. It allows customers to collect ten Loyalty Tears and exchange them for one complimentary wave.
Officials are also examining a Remote Aviation Concern Fee for relatives following flights on their phones. They discovered that millions of people currently worry about aircraft completely free of charge.
Anyone unwilling to participate is reminded that hugging remains free at home.
The airport said it is monitoring that loophole closely.
Source receipts
Newcastle Airport — official pick-up, drop-off and waiting-zone information.
The Loved One Levy, emotional tariffs, departments, penalties, camera capabilities and quotations above are satirical inventions.
