Britain has welcomed a plan to replace its migrant returns agreement with France. The plan offers a simpler arrangement involving the entire European Union.
Under the proposed European People Reallocation and Continental Exchange System, Britain sends an arrival to Europe. Europe then sends another person to Britain. Both governments can announce that somebody definitely went somewhere.
Migrant Returns at the Roundabout
Officials call the breakthrough “the first immigration policy based entirely on airport baggage handling”.
A new processing centre near Dover will use a 40 metre conveyor belt. Case files will pass illuminated signs reading FRANCE, SPAIN, GERMANY, OTHER and FRANCE AGAIN.
Department of Circular Migration spokesman Nigel Clipboard said the system would finally bring clarity.
“Currently, someone arrives from France and we discuss returning them to France,” he said.
“Under the improved model, we send a request to France. France forwards it to Brussels. Brussels consults Germany. Germany asks Italy. Italy discovers the person was fingerprinted in Greece in 2023. Greece then presses the large button marked ‘Not Ours’.”
Each participant will receive a European Migration Loyalty Card. Every six international transfers earn a complimentary seventh journey and priority access to the paperwork queue.
Migrant Returns Technology
Britain has commissioned a £74 million computer system called WHEREISHE. Officials say it instantly displays an applicant’s location, provided somebody already knows where they are.
Ministers say the arrangement fully respects Brexit. Britain sits outside European freedom of movement, yet joins a system built to move people between Europe and Britain.
Prime Minister Sir Malcolm Forward hailed the plan as decisive.
“For too long, people have moved unpredictably across Europe,” he said.
“We are going to fix that by moving them predictably across significantly more of Europe.”
The Final Departure Board
Officials expect fewer Channel crossings. They think migrants may eventually return to Britain through the continental returns carousel, possibly with better luggage.
The Home Office has ordered a giant departures board. So far, every destination says DELAYED.
