Sport
Spurs Trophy Ends 17-Year Emergency Joke Supply
A Spurs trophy has finally arrived after 17 years, leaving rival supporters with only several decades of remaining archival material.
Felicity Bunce
Felicity has been in a six-year dispute with a supermarket loyalty scheme over seven missing points. She owns a filing cabinet containing every receipt issued to her since 1993 and has successfully returned a toaster on the grounds that “the toast had become complacent.” Retailers generally know her simply as Mrs Bunce Again.
World
Papua New Guinea Evicts Trachoma After Thorough Inspection
Papua New Guinea has eliminated trachoma as a public health problem after surveillance proved the disease had lost its dreadful foothold.
Health & Lifestyle
World Health Assembly Prescribes Nine Days Of Geneva
The World Health Assembly will meet for nine days in Geneva, because the planet's medical problems have declined to fit a conference timetable.
Travel & Transport
Blackheath Tunnel Takes Ten Weeks Off To Feel 175 Again
Blackheath tunnel will close for ten weeks of essential repairs, giving a 175-year-old structure the summer break commuters cannot have.
Business & Economy
University Spinouts Get £30m To Leave Campus Without Hoodie
University spinouts will receive £30 million to turn research into companies and discover that investors use the word runway differently.
Science & Technology
Venus Crust Stays Thin By Dropping Heavy Problems Into Mantle
Venus crust may control its thickness by melting or shedding dense material, a geological strategy familiar to anyone avoiding attic storage.
UK Politics & Public Life
Planning Reforms Worth Up To £7.5bn If Spreadsheet Gets Its Way
Planning reforms could add billions to the economy, according to an impact assessment whose upper estimate has already chosen a kitchen.
Culture & Entertainment
Star Wars Droid Follows Owner Carrying 20 Pounds Of Canon
A Star Wars droid can now follow its owner with 20 pounds of cargo, custom noises and no apparent opinion about the prequels.
Sport
Sunday Cup Final Gets Livestream And Immediately Checks Its Hair
The Sunday Cup final will stream from Stadium MK, forcing grassroots football to locate both the far post and its best camera angle.
World
World IP Day Tells Musicians To Feel Beat Then Invoice It
World IP Day celebrates music by asking artists to feel the beat, protect the beat and retain documentary proof that they invented the beat.