Health & Lifestyle
Body Checks Lose To Bank Balance And Tomorrow’s Drizzle
Body checks trail bank balances and weather forecasts because apparently overdrafts and light rain deserve closer surveillance.
The Lawn · Collected editions
The Archive
Page 89 · 18 Apr 2025 to 13 Apr 2025
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Culture & Entertainment
Late Pub Hours Granted So Nation Can Remember With One More Round
Late pub hours will mark VE Day by giving remembrance the solemn dignity of somebody ordering crisps at 12.47am.
Business & Economy
Carbon Credits Market Offers Reassuringly Tidy Atmosphere Receipts
Carbon credits will help companies display climate integrity through a market in certificates confirming that a forest is thinking about them.
World
UN Youth Forum On Future Not Covered Because Present Has No Cash
The UN Youth Forum explored green jobs and innovative finance without meeting coverage because conventional finance had left the building.
UK Politics & Public Life
Infrastructure Authority Appoints CEO Before Infrastructure Notices
The infrastructure authority has appointed a chief executive to unite strategy and delivery under one roof, pending delivery of the roof.
Travel & Transport
Easter Roadworks Lifted So Drivers Can Queue Without Scenery
Easter roadworks will vanish across 1,127 miles, allowing families to spend the bank holiday looking at the same caravan unaided.
Science & Technology
Zombie Projects Removed From Grid Queue After Failing To Produce Pulse
Zombie projects will leave the electricity grid queue after years of shuffling forward and asking whether anyone has a spare connection point.
Health & Lifestyle
London Waiting Lists Fall And Immediately Seek Smaller Flat
London waiting lists have fallen, although more than a million patients still occupy a spreadsheet with excellent transport links.
Culture & Entertainment
Living Heritage Inventory Asked Whether Queueing Is Too Obvious
The living heritage inventory will preserve Britain's customs, crafts and ancient ritual of apologising to furniture after walking into it.
Business & Economy
Business Finance Expanded So Small Firms Can Afford Larger Forms
Business finance is expanding by billions, giving small firms the certainty to hire one employee devoted entirely to proving they are small.
World
UN Pavilion Opens Better Future Between Gift Shop And Toilets
The UN Pavilion offers Expo visitors a peaceful and equal future in five immersive minutes, followed by the queue for a commemorative bottle.
UK Politics & Public Life
Political Peerages Confirm Meritocracy Now Has A Very Nice Balcony
Political peerages have rewarded another selection of public service careers with a permanent seat and excellent access to polished wood.