Travel & Transport
HS2 Tunnel Reaches Birmingham Before Most Of HS2
The HS2 tunnel has reached Birmingham after Mary Ann bored 3.5 miles through earth without once announcing a revised opening date.
Hedgewick Thistleton
A self-proclaimed horticultural sovereign, Hedgewick once attempted to broker a peace treaty between the Flowerbed Federation and the Weed Uprising of '23. He spends his days dictating new lawn ordinances from his stately compost heap and has an unshakable belief that the squirrels are spying on him.
Business & Economy
Bank Rate Cut By Quarter Point After Committee Splits Into Fractions
The Bank Rate cut reached 4.25% after nine policymakers produced three positions and enough fractions to unsettle a family calculator.
Science & Technology
Hot Sub-Neptune Has Clear Atmosphere And Terrible Holiday Climate
A clear atmosphere surrounds this hot sub-Neptune, although tourism officials remain quiet about the water vapour and 1,340-degree heat.
UK Politics & Public Life
Cyber Wake Up Call Sent As Attachment Nobody Should Open
A cyber wake up call has reached British business, although security teams strongly advise directors not to click the enclosed alarm clock.
Culture & Entertainment
Slade In Flame Turns 50 And Remains Citizen Kane With Sideburns
Slade in Flame is 50, confirming that British rock cinema peaked when ambition wore platform boots and declined to wash the van.
Sport
Nottingham Forest Hit Woodwork Three Times And Apply For Forestry Grant
Nottingham Forest hit the Wembley woodwork three times but discovered that sustained contact with timber still does not count as a goal.
World
Ocean Treaty Meeting Completes First Lap Around Its Own Name
The ocean treaty meeting finished its first session after delegates successfully navigated governance, finance and the title of the meeting.
Health & Lifestyle
Cancer Plan Easy Read Still Requires A 50 Page Appointment
The cancer plan easy read makes a vital consultation more accessible, though brevity has been referred to another department.
Travel & Transport
Bridge Strikes Still Not Prevented By Hoping Excavator Ducks
Bridge strikes remain stubbornly possible because large machinery has once again declined to become shorter through positive thinking.
Business & Economy
Carbon Credits Market Offers Reassuringly Tidy Atmosphere Receipts
Carbon credits will help companies display climate integrity through a market in certificates confirming that a forest is thinking about them.