India trade mission investment has produced 6,900 jobs, according to an announcement so confident that several of them may already be posing for a group photograph beside a spreadsheet.
The Prime Minister’s Office and Department for Business and Trade said 64 Indian companies would invest more than £1 billion in the United Kingdom after the Prime Minister’s trade mission to India.
The announcement presented the figure as a national triumph. Every region could now admire its share of the incoming optimism.
India trade mission investment meets the optimism department
The language sounded reassuringly enormous. More than £1 billion would create 6,900 jobs across every region. The country became a map covered in arrows pointing upwards, while nobody asked what the arrows were attached to.
The announcement offered a future workforce before it supplied much detail about future workplaces. This is the finest stage of economic development. The desks remain immaculate. The printers remain theoretical. Nobody has asked who replaces the office kettle.
At the fictional Office for Celebrating Announcements, director Prudence Ledger arranged the figures beneath a ceremonial banner.
“The important thing is that the investment is more than £1 billion,” she said. “If anyone asks where it is going, we can direct them to the press release. It is standing very confidently.”
The 6,900 jobs reached every region. Local representatives could receive a precise portion of the optimism without identifying the building, industry or chair involved. Each area gained a reassuring number and, with luck, a folder containing another reassuring number.
Corporate language performed its traditional supporting role. Companies would invest. Jobs would appear. The trade mission would receive the credit. The arrangement formed a perfect triangle, with every corner pointing towards a photograph of people shaking hands.
A spreadsheet applies for its own workforce
Trade missions often claim to open doors. This one appears to have opened a spreadsheet, flown it to India and brought it home claiming to know 6,900 future employees personally.
The government has achieved the rare economic miracle of announcing a workforce before anyone has finished inventing its desks. The first job created will presumably be Chief Executive of Counting Jobs That Have Not Started Yet. The salary will arrive entirely in projected confidence.
Source: Department for Business and Trade.
