Officials have reassured drought-hit Parchfield residents about their toilets. Despite continuing pressure on local water supplies, lavatories will keep receiving water of a standard suitable for drinking.
The reassurance follows difficulties at a Parchfield development. Its designers planned to reuse treated rainwater for purposes including toilet flushing. However, British plumbing requires anyone sending water into certain domestic systems to treat it with considerably more respect than the average houseplant.
Officials are asking residents to conserve water. Restrictions apply to activities such as watering gardens and washing cars.
Nevertheless, officials will not impose comparable austerity measures on lavatories.
“People understandably become concerned during a drought,” said a senior sanitary water official. “But nobody should have to experience the indignity of knowing the water transporting their morning shit was not technically suitable for making a cup of tea.”
Cistern assurance
Inspectors are developing a new cistern assurance programme. It will assess toilet water for clarity, mineral balance and whether it has the crisp, clean finish expected before disappearing immediately around a U-bend.
Authorities may eventually permit recycled rainwater for flushing. First, they must decide that it has received sufficient treatment to make it completely safe to be shat in.
Until then, officials have encouraged Parchfield households to make every drop count. This includes the several litres of perfectly drinkable water currently carrying a turd towards the sewage works.
The proposed standard would reassure households that every cistern contains water meeting the high threshold expected of something they will use for three seconds, send around a U-bend and never discuss again.
Parchfield has asked residents to remain calm, hydrated and nowhere near a hosepipe or a paddling pool until further notice.
