Business & Economy
Enterprise Data Confirms Britain Is Still A Spreadsheet
Enterprise data has counted UK firms by size and industry, confirming the economy still fits inside a downloadable spreadsheet.
Biff Tankerton
Self appointed General once reported that a minor breeze in Lawnland was “a full-scale invasion by air-based insurgents.” Demands Lawnland form a navy, despite the nation having no body of water. Claims to have “seen combat” but later admitted it was just a particularly aggressive game of Monopoly.
Science & Technology
Marine Heat Wave Gives British Sea a Career Change
A marine heat wave warmed waters around Britain and Ireland, forcing the sea to participate in weather small talk without consent.
UK Politics & Public Life
Griffin Bark Opens, Police Dogs Ignore Strategic Deck
Griffin Bark gives police dogs realistic stairs, tunnels and scent puzzles while their human colleagues retain responsibility for the slides.
Culture & Entertainment
Splatoon Turns Ten, Still Only War Game With Laundry
The Splatoon anniversary marks a decade of Nintendo proving that online combat improves when everybody leaves the floor much worse.
Sport
Brighton Score Four, Discover Europe Was Somewhere Else
Brighton score four at Tottenham and still miss Europe, proving a magnificent result can depend on somebody else's less convenient result.
World
Digital Health Strategy Given Two More Years To Find Password
The digital health strategy will run until 2027, allowing global healthcare another two years to remember which portal contains the patient.
Health & Lifestyle
Emergency Care Gets $12.5m And An Appropriately Urgent Name
Emergency care will receive $12.5 million for training across 400 hospitals, giving urgency both funding and a refreshingly literal programme.
Travel & Transport
Rail Applications Arrive After Timetable Like Actual Trains
Rail applications arrived after the timetable deadline with impressive authenticity, giving paperwork the full British passenger experience.
Business & Economy
Business Investment Rises 5.9% Pending Arrival Of Reality
Business investment rose by a provisional 5.9%, giving the economy several weeks to enjoy the number before statisticians find more receipts.
Science & Technology
Dusty Mars Magnet Finally Inspected After 4,536 Sols
A dusty Mars magnet has received a close inspection from Curiosity, proving even another planet cannot escape a highly specific cleaning audit.