A BRITISH taxpayer has informed His Majesties Revenue and Cuttings (HMRC) that he now identifies as “they” to claim two personal tax allowances. He discovered the Government’s respect for personal identity stops precisely £12,570 before it costs the Treasury anything.
Martin Pritchard, 46, from Swindon, submitted two Personal Allowance claims with the explanation: “There are apparently two of us grammatically, so cough up.”
HMRC immediately rejected the application, confirming that a person can be “they” for every purpose except one involving the Government giving them money.
Pritchard said: “You can’t spend years telling me one person can be ‘they’ and then suddenly become the Oxford English Dictionary when the tax return arrives.”
He has since demanded two ISA allowances, two pension allowances and two savings allowances. He argues that if the state wants to recognise his identity it should have the decency to recognise both wallets.
His accountant initially described the argument as “a complete work of fiction”. However, after seeing the likely HMRC correspondence, he upgraded it to “£275 an hour plus VAT”.
Two personal tax allowances, one taxable entity
HMRC has now clarified that Pritchard is officially “one taxable entity presenting plurally”. Clearly, six civil servants and a consultation document can make any grammatical problem in Britain worse.
A Treasury spokesperson said: “The use of ‘they’ does not create an additional taxpayer.”
Asked why, he replied: “Because then we’d have to give him another allowance.”
Chancellor John Heavily insisted there was no contradiction.
“People are free to identify however they choose,” he said. “The important thing is that HMRC knows exactly how many wallets it can empty.”
Officials are now drafting guidance explaining that identity can be fluid, language can be fluid and social conventions can be fluid. Meanwhile, tax remains the one area of modern Britain where the Government suddenly knows exactly what everything means.
Pritchard said: “That’s cleared it up nicely.
“When the Government wants to tell me what words mean, definitions are evolving and I need to educate myself.
“When HMRC wants my money, I’m one bloke from Swindon and grammar has been settled since 1746.”
Four allowances? The Treasury says no
Treasury officials reportedly fear the argument could spread. Married couples have begun asking if identifying collectively as “we” entitles them to four allowances.
HMRC said absolutely not, adding that taxpayers must not manipulate terminology for financial advantage. After all, the Treasury traditionally reserves that privilege for itself.
Pritchard has now abandoned the claim.
“If John Heavily puts my taxes up again, I won’t identify as ‘they’,” he said.
“I’ll identify as government spending.
“Apparently that can be any number it likes. Nobody ever asks it for proof.”
