LAWNLAND’S government has unveiled a recovery plan to return the country to the steady decline people used to complain about.
The nation endured years of steady decline, briefly interrupted by a slump. Ministers called the disruption an opportunity to rebuild the old disappointment.
Waiting lists will return to being merely appalling. Household bills will become unaffordable at a steadier rate. Businesses will again have time to print a closing down sign.
“People feel nostalgic for when things were bad,” the chancellor said. “Our job is to make those days possible again.”
The Treasury improved its outlook by inventing something worse, then comparing current conditions with it.
Against its forecast of total economic collapse, the continued existence of a sandwich shop counts as a substantial recovery. The owner asked officials to stop including him in projections beyond Friday.
Ministers also cited rising confidence among businesses that survived. “Every company we spoke to was still trading,” the chancellor said. “You cannot argue with a hundred per cent.”
The opposition promised to restore the slightly better decline it remembered delivering in office.
Officials said the Treasury unit that created the forecast would measure progress. It has put the earlier economic magic beans programme aside and now sets expectations carefully on the floor. The floor remains resilient.
A full return to prosperity would require several departments to start again with different people.
The chancellor confirmed emergency tax rises would remain throughout the recovery, so nobody mistakes it for an improvement.
