Because nothing says “universal healthcare” like a fight to the death for antibiotics.
LONDON – In a bold move to “streamline healthcare” and “eliminate waiting lists once and for all,” Prime Minister Keir Starmer has officially abolished NHS England, replacing it with an exhilarating new initiative: The National Health Hunger Games.
Speaking at a press conference, Starmer reassured the British public that, under the new system, “access to life-saving treatment will be fairer, more efficient, and far more entertaining for the viewing public.”
Under the Hunger Games model, citizens requiring medical assistance will be selected via a thrilling televised lottery. Those drawn will be transported to one of twelve newly designated “healing districts” (formerly known as hospitals) where they must fight for the limited supply of medicine, doctor appointments, and, in extreme cases, the last remaining MRI machine.
“It’s a simple numbers game,” said Health Secretary Wes Streeting, polishing his sword. “With NHS waiting times spiralling out of control, we thought, why not let nature—and a few well-placed landmines—decide who deserves a hip replacement?”
The move has been met with mixed reactions. Some have praised the government’s commitment to “individual responsibility in healthcare,” while others, particularly those with chronic illnesses, have expressed mild concern over the introduction of “sudden death overtime” in A&E.
However, critics argue that the new system disproportionately favours those in good health, with concerns that the “upper classes” may receive an unfair advantage due to their access to private combat training. The government has assured the public that, in the spirit of equality, billionaires will also be expected to send a representative into the Games—most likely a butler or a third cousin they don’t particularly like.
Meanwhile, private healthcare providers have welcomed the initiative, with Bupa already offering Platinum Survival Packages that include personal trainers, a week of axe-throwing lessons, and an express pass to the blood transfusion tent.
As the first Games commence next week, Starmer insists that this is “just the beginning of a more streamlined, market-driven approach to public health,” hinting that education and policing may soon follow suit.
“And remember,” he added with a smile, “may the odds be ever in your favour… unless you need a kidney transplant, in which case, good luck with that.”
