The Ministry of Basic Expectations has issued asylum applicants a new nine-page welcome guide. It explains several rules previously covered by “surely nobody needs us to actually write this down.”
The booklet confirms that women can make their own decisions. It also says that sex requires consent and rape is illegal. Following strangers while making kissing noises at them remains an unsuccessful integration strategy.
Officials originally proposed a shorter document reading PLEASE BEHAVE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING. Legal requested definitions for “please”, “behave” and “human being”.
The resulting nine-page guidance now clarifies several points. Marriage does not remove somebody’s ability to say no. Sleeping people and children cannot consent. Controlling where a woman goes or what she wears is not simply an unusually thorough approach to household administration.
The Ministry said the changes put rape and sexual harassment “fully into the onboarding journey”. It allows staff to begin work on several behaviours previously considered self-explanatory.
Advanced British integration
Module Two, Other Things You Should Definitely Not Do, will cover punching people, stealing their belongings and resolving disagreements with a machete.
Anyone who completes the basic programme will progress to Advanced British Integration. There, considerably more complicated social rules begin.
These include thanking bus drivers and apologising when somebody else walks into you. They also include putting the correct bin out once every three weeks. Candidates must understand that “we should definitely get a drink sometime” does not mean a drink will ever take place.
After this, the programme considers graduates fully integrated. It permits them to begin complaining that the country has gone downhill.
The Ministry said a future module might explain queueing, an area several long-standing residents are still studying.
