THE Ministry of Basic Expectations has issued asylum applicants with a new nine page welcome guide explaining several rules previously covered by “surely nobody needs us to actually write this down.“
The booklet confirms that women are allowed to make their own decisions, sex requires consent, rape is illegal and following strangers while making kissing noises at them remains an unsuccessful integration strategy.
Officials originally proposed a shorter document reading PLEASE BEHAVE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, before Legal requested definitions for “please”, “behave” and “human being”.
The resulting nine page guidance now provides formal clarification that being married to somebody does not remove their ability to say no, sleeping people cannot consent, children cannot consent and controlling where a woman goes or what she wears is not simply an unusually thorough approach to household administration.
The Ministry said the changes mean rape and sexual harassment have now been “fully incorporated into the onboarding journey”, allowing staff to begin work on several behaviours previously considered self-explanatory.
Module Two, Other Things You Should Definitely Not Do, is expected to cover punching people, stealing their belongings and resolving disagreements with a machete.
Anyone successfully completing the basic programme will progress to Advanced British Integration, where considerably more complicated social rules begin.
These include thanking bus drivers, apologising when somebody else walks into you, putting the correct bin out once every three weeks, and understanding that “we should definitely get a drink sometime” does not mean a drink will ever take place.
Graduates will then be considered fully integrated and permitted to begin complaining that the country has gone downhill.
