The government’s “build, baby, build” housing campaign has completed three verbal homes before lunch, each offering spacious alliteration, excellent media access and no connection to utilities.
The Housing Secretary met major developers and housebuilders before visiting a housing site in Bedfordshire, where the ambition to deliver 1.5 million homes was presented as a matter of removing barriers, adding investment and applying the correct quantity of enthusiasm to a shovel.
Ministers promised to leave no stone unturned. Planning officers responded by placing protective cones around every stone until someone submits an ecology assessment and establishes whether it has aspirations, protected status or a lucrative development opportunity.
“We must get spades in the ground,” said Brickabella, Commissioner for Photographic Shovels. “Actual digging begins once the commemorative hard hats clear procurement.”
Developers discussed the obstacles to construction and ways to speed things up. The government offered planning reform, new towns, brownfield investment and affordable housing funding, creating a promising collection of nouns that may eventually be assembled into a policy, provided none of them requires a decision.
The government says its New Homes Accelerator has unblocked almost 100,000 homes. These homes are now free to proceed until they encounter the next blockage, which has its own consultation portal, steering group, review period and temporary logo. The homes have been advised not to celebrate until the logo receives approval.
Planning reform may help unlock sites, but houses still require infrastructure, skilled workers, finance and the unlikely cooperation of bricks. Affordable housing must also remain affordable after meeting a brochure, a service charge and the phrase “vibrant new quarter”, which is where many homes first discover they are luxury products.
At the Bedfordshire site, officials saw construction first hand. The unfinished staircase declined to comment until the handrail strategy reached publication, while a nearby pile of bricks requested written confirmation that urgency would provide mortar, scaffolding and somewhere for the drains.
By evening, the slogan had built a fourth home. Surveyors condemned it because all three bedrooms were verbs, the bathroom was an aspiration and the front door opened directly into a press release. The planning inspector approved it immediately, provided the residents were willing to live inside the promise until further notice.
Real story: Ministry of Housing, Communities and Local Government.
