Splatoon turns ten and still leaves the room looking condemned
Splatoon has reached its tenth anniversary, meaning Nintendo has spent a decade proving that territorial conflict becomes charming if everyone is a squid and the ammunition can ruin a white shirt.
Teams of Inklings compete to cover the ground in their colour. The result resembles four toddlers finding an unattended decorating aisle, except the toddlers understand flank routes and nobody asks them to protect the skirting board.
The first game arrived on the Wii U, a console whose commercial problems were serious enough to make a cheerful ink shooter look like a rescue helicopter. Splatoon escaped with the confidence of a franchise that had already painted an exit on the wall.
Home décor meets tactical doctrine
“We replaced bullets with rollers and made territorial conflict adorable,” said Marina Splotchworthy of the Institute for Damp Carpets. “Parents heard family friendly. Sofas heard a threat. The carpet has retained counsel.”
Matches remain quick, bright and mercifully short. Players cannot spend half an hour broadcasting tactical abuse because the game offers limited ways to communicate. This is less a design choice than the most successful peace process of the modern age.
The series has sold more than 30 million copies and built concerts around hologram idols and live bands. Consequently, the global entertainment industry has accepted that singing cephalopods deserve production values normally reserved for rock gods and tax inquiries.
Other shooters add grimmer wars, longer menus and a man explaining the battle pass. Splatoon asks which team can make a shopping centre look most urgently condemned. It is the only war game in which the aftermath may require a mop and a colour chart.
Ten years on, Splatoon remains fresh, loud and permanently one bad decision away from a paint catalogue. Nintendo has not cleaned up. That is why everyone came.
Read the real story: BFI on ten years of Splatoon
