Zombie projects will no longer clog the electricity grid queue after inspectors confirmed that several had no pulse, no planning consent and one extension lead labelled maybe.
Zombie projects lose their place in line
The reforms will prioritise clean-energy schemes that can actually proceed. This overturns the traditional British queueing rule that the least prepared person must stand at the front searching every pocket.
Professor Volta Cadaver-Smythe, Coroner of Renewable Intentions, said: “This wind farm has shown no sign of life for seven years. Nevertheless, its developer sends a Christmas card and insists it is resting.”
Ready projects may now connect faster. Solar farms, batteries and data centres have begun edging forward while avoiding eye contact with a dead substation application wearing a 2014 conference lanyard.
The old queue rewarded speculative plans that reserved capacity. Consequently, genuine projects waited behind diagrams, aspirations and a man whose energy company existed mainly as a domain name.
Officials say the changes could unlock £40 billion of annual investment. The National Energy System Operator has bought a large clipboard and the kind of whistle normally used to organise a school coach.
By evening, the zombies had left the queue. They immediately joined a planning consultation, where remaining motionless for a decade counts as meaningful engagement.
Read the real story: the grid connection reform announcement.
The surviving schemes will now be connected in the order they can demonstrate an actual project, a land agreement and the ability to remain awake through a meeting with three acronyms in the title. Britain has finally discovered that clean power is easier to build when it is not queued behind a ghost wearing a hi vis jacket.
