Satirical illustration. Not a documentary photograph. The Forms Department has charged a questionnaire with a small part of the rise in antisocial behaviour, after discovering that the rest would require dealing with people.
ONS analysis found that changes to the Crime Survey for England and Wales partly inflated reports of antisocial behaviour. Most of the increase, however, appeared genuine. This leaves the department with a manageable paperwork problem attached to an inconvenient country.
The survey removed household and vehicle security questions from two of its four routes in April 2025. The questions about antisocial behaviour stayed the same. Reports rose across all four routes, with a bigger increase on the altered ones.
The questionnaire’s solicitor has entered a plea of slightly guilty. His client accepts that moving the furniture may have affected the answers, but denies personally shouting outside anybody’s flat at three in the morning.
Investigators prefer the paper suspect. It has a fixed address, no mates and can be detained indefinitely in a lever arch file. An officer has already folded it into the recovery position.
Meanwhile, the department has celebrated a breakthrough. By separating the questionnaire effect from the genuine increase, it has identified exactly how much of the problem it can discuss without leaving the building.
A reconstruction will show two security questions disappearing from a form while a senior official points at them very hard. The remaining rise has been asked to wait outside because there are only enough chairs for the methodological caveat.
The questionnaire faces a lengthy sentence. The country faces a footnote.
Real story: Office for National Statistics.
