Bathing water designation has added 27 sites to England’s list from the 2024 bathing season. That decision is real. A fictional river has responded by asking whether confidence can be issued with a waterproof clipboard.
Bathing water designation meets the paperwork
The government outcome says all 27 sites considered in the consultation would join the list of designated bathing waters. The consultation received 10,962 responses. The fictional river understands none of the paperwork, but it has requested a lanyard and a meeting room.
The decision does not promise that every visit will feel like a holiday brochure. It gives selected places an official designation and a clearer public framework. The imagined Office of Sensible Splashing has translated this into a meeting about whether a puddle needs a communications strategy.
Monitoring is not a confidence course
The official material supports the 27 site designations and the consultation process. It does not give a river a personality, a desk or a job title. Nevertheless, the fictional river has filed a request for a chair beside the testing equipment.
Meanwhile, the real bathing water system remains concerned with public information and environmental standards. The river has described these as “excellent opportunities for stakeholder visibility”, despite having no stakeholders and only a current.
That is the useful distinction. Bathing water designation belongs to public administration, not motivational speaking. It can help communities understand which sites have official status. It cannot make cold water warm, shallow water deep or February swimmers sensible.
The river has accepted this limitation with impressive professionalism. It has also asked for a branded mug, a quarterly review and a title that sounds more hydrological than helpful.
At the end of the day, the designation system is about recognised bathing waters and public information. The imaginary river has agreed to support it, provided nobody asks it to attend a webinar called Wetness With Purpose.
Source: UK Government.
