The Music Export Growth Scheme is sending 58 independent UK acts abroad with £1.6 million in support, prompting one amplifier to seek diplomatic immunity before anyone can put it in the van.
The scheme, announced by the government, is intended to help smaller music companies fund marketing, promotion and overseas touring. It is a serious attempt to help British artists find international audiences. The amplifier, meanwhile, has spent three years wrapped in bubble wrap and described as “fragile, but absolutely vital”, so it believes it has already completed the paperwork for asylum.
At the Bureau of Loud International Relations, export officer Melody Stamp welcomed the funding. “New audiences matter,” she said. “Consequently, we have taught the merch table to say ‘contactless only’ in three languages.” The merch table has also requested a diplomatic pouch for receipts, although nobody has explained why it needs to travel separately from the socks.
International touring is expensive and complicated for independent artists. There are visas, transport, promotion, accommodation and the eternal question of who packed the cable that nobody can find. A guitarist’s lead has claimed it is the true cultural ambassador because it crosses more borders than the band and has never once received a grant.
The government says the scheme will support home grown talent, creative industry growth and the next British musical invasion. This has caused the tour van to request a customs declaration confirming that its contents are culture rather than four adults, a damp towel and a box of promotional stickers nobody is allowed to throw away.
“We are determined to make British music globally competitive,” said Nigel Encore, Chief Officer for Reverb Abroad. “We have also briefed the amplifier that it cannot negotiate a trade agreement with the venue in Rotterdam.” The amplifier has responded by turning its volume knob towards the Netherlands.
The funding is aimed at artists and smaller companies that may struggle to finance overseas opportunities alone. That is the useful bit. The satire begins when a band playing three European dates becomes an export strategy, a merch sale becomes national resilience and a road case starts demanding consular access to the hotel lift.
Every piece of equipment now has a diplomatic position. The drum stool supports closer European relations, the keyboard wants a seat at the United Nations and the microphone refuses to comment until its rider has been translated into Danish. The missing cable has meanwhile crossed another border and is being treated as the only member of the delegation with a reliable travel record.
At last, the amplifier cleared customs, found the venue and delivered a powerful statement on international cooperation. It then spent the entire encore shouting that its only foreign policy was turning slightly too loud, which is still more coherent than most export strategies.
Real story: Department for Business and Trade and Department for Culture, Media and Sport.
