Parents left devastated as black market ticket economy flourishes in primary school gymnasiums across England.
TATTERWICK, England—In yet another staggering display of corporate dominance, TicketToutster has now secured control over 87.5% of primary school shows across the UK, ensuring that even your child’s painfully off-key performance of Let It Go will come with a £12.50 booking fee and a strict no-refunds policy.
Parents up and down the country have expressed frustration at the development, with many claiming they were unable to secure front-row seats to their own child’s Year 3 Nativity due to a combination of bot scalpers and “dynamic pricing.”
“I just wanted to watch my son play Donkey #2 in peace,” said Emma Clarkson, a mother from Tatterwick who found herself in a virtual queue of 1,750 people just to buy a seat in the school’s multipurpose hall. “By the time I got through, there were only ‘VIP Experience’ tickets left for £89.99, which included a free juice box and an exclusive meet-and-greet with the PTA Treasurer.”
A Stranglehold on The Arts
TicketToutster, which operates under the deeply unsettling motto “If there’s a stage, we’ll own it”, has spent the past two years acquiring complete control over small-scale entertainment, from village pantomimes to secondary school GCSE Drama performances.
TicketToutster representatives have defended the move, stating that their monopoly on school theatre productions is a “natural step” in their mission to “control every aspect of live entertainment, no matter how insignificant.”
“We believe every event should be ticketed and resold at a 400% markup,” said TicketToutster’s CEO, Mortimer Scalpli. “Whether it’s a front-row seat to Elton John’s farewell tour or a wobbly performance of Little Red Riding Hood in a school gym, one thing remains the same: You’re going to pay through the nose for it.”
Reports suggest that touts are now infiltrating PTA meetings, bribing drama teachers, and placing “premium” standing-room tickets in Year 6 cloakrooms for resale at astronomical prices.
Meanwhile, industry experts believe the company’s next move could be securing exclusivity over birthday party attendance, forcing parents to enter a lottery system just to watch their own child blow out candles.
At press time, several fathers had been seen furiously refreshing their browsers in the desperate hope of securing last-minute resale tickets to Miss Honey’s Musical Medley—available for a mere £220 on StubHub.
