War on Fancy Snacks: America’s Elite Prepare for Rationing
WASHINGTON – In a shocking turn of events, President Donald Trump’s latest round of tariffs has struck at the heart of America’s most cherished pastimes: drinking overpriced Champagne and pretending to understand imported cheeses. With European luxury goods facing steep import taxes, concerned socialites across the country are already planning emergency rationing strategies.
“We can survive without Parmesan,” sobbed one Wall Street banker, clutching a wedge of the prized Italian cheese like a lifeline. “But without Champagne? I mean, what will we pop after a solid round of tax evasion?”
Reports suggest that restaurants and wine cellars are hoarding supplies in preparation for what experts are calling “The Great Charcuterie Collapse of 2025.”
Billionaires Consider Smuggling, Regular Americans Unaffected
While tariffs on essentials like steel and manufacturing parts have barely caused a stir, the additional charges on high-end European delicacies have sent America’s wealthiest class into sheer panic. “I have no choice but to start stockpiling vintage Dom Pérignon,” lamented an Instagram influencer, documenting their last pre-tariff sip of rosé.
Meanwhile, regular Americans, who have already been pairing their boxed wine with spray cheese for years, remain completely unaffected. “Wait, people actually buy that fancy stuff?” asked one confused diner, dipping a Dorito into a can of nacho sauce.
Underground Black Market for Parmesan Expected to Boom
As the price of authentic Parmigiano-Reggiano soars, underground cheese rings are expected to thrive. Already, rumors of an illegal “Parmesan pipeline” have surfaced, with desperate foodies discussing smuggling routes from Canada. One man in New York claimed to have been offered a single sliver of aged Parmigiano in a dark alley—priced at three times the street value.
“People are desperate,” said a chef who requested anonymity. “We’ve already started grating cheddar and calling it Parmesan. God help us all.”
The Future of American Fine Dining
Experts suggest the US will soon enter a dark era of questionable food substitutions. Champagne will be replaced with sparkling apple juice, and Michelin-starred chefs will be forced to use Dairylea in carbonara.
For now, the elite remain in mourning. At least until they find a way to write off their next lavish, tariff-inflated dinner as a business expense.
