“Why Does This Keep Happening Every Year?”
In what meteorologists are calling “a deeply predictable event,” Scotland has once again been hit by snow, sending locals into an annual cycle of shock, outrage, and frantic Googling of “how to drive in slush.”
Despite being located in the northern hemisphere, where winter has stubbornly refused to be cancelled for the past several millennia, Scots have once again reacted as though a celestial prankster is personally dumping white powder from the heavens just to ruin their commutes.
“We just didn’t see it coming,” said Edinburgh resident Douglas McPherson, who has lived in Scotland for all 52 years of his life and somehow remains completely unprepared for the concept of winter. “One minute, I was out in a t-shirt because it was a balmy 7 degrees, and the next, my car was a frozen tomb. How does nature get away with this?”
Emergency services have been overwhelmed with calls from disgruntled citizens demanding that someone “do something about this,” while Twitter has been flooded with complaints about how unfair it is that England sometimes gets less snow. Meanwhile, panic buyers have once again stripped Tesco shelves bare of bread and milk, presumably in preparation for a week-long siege against Mother Nature.
“Every year we warn them,” sighed weather expert Fiona Buchanan. “Every single year. We put out forecasts, maps, advisories, and even one of those dramatic doom-laden BBC News specials where they pan in on gritter lorries like they’re tanks rolling into a war zone. And yet, without fail, people act like a woolly mammoth just wandered into their driveway.”
Public transport has responded in its usual fashion—by immediately ceasing to function. Scotland’s rail network announced it would be cancelling all trains “due to the presence of weather,” while buses were spotted heroically attempting to navigate roads slicker than a politician’s press statement.
Meanwhile, Canadian tourists visiting Glasgow were reportedly baffled by the chaos, casually walking around in hoodies while being pelted with desperate cries of “How are you not freezing!?” One was overheard muttering, “This? This is just a Tuesday.”
As the snow continues to fall, authorities are advising citizens to remain calm, stay indoors, and try not to complain too loudly—lest winter somehow hear them and extend its stay out of spite.
