The Lawn, in retrospect
The dates are real. The news is satire.
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Help to Save is expanding, offering a useful government bonus and the luxurious financial experience of having money left to save.
Multilateral diplomacy celebrated unity in six languages, allowing every nation to hear precisely why the next speaker needed another minute.
Breakfast clubs will return 95 hours a year to parents, who are advised to store the time somewhere children cannot spill cereal on it.
Bridge strikes remain stubbornly possible because large machinery has once again declined to become shorter through positive thinking.
The canoe race can proceed once competitors have negotiated the fastest-moving obstacle on British water: official navigation guidance.
Planning AI can digitise old records in 40 seconds, leaving councils free to spend two hours locating the correct attachment.
Body checks trail bank balances and weather forecasts because apparently overdrafts and light rain deserve closer surveillance.
Late pub hours will mark VE Day by giving remembrance the solemn dignity of somebody ordering crisps at 12.47am.
Carbon credits will help companies display climate integrity through a market in certificates confirming that a forest is thinking about them.
The UN Youth Forum explored green jobs and innovative finance without meeting coverage because conventional finance had left the building.
