Local Residents Unsure if “Traffic Calming Measure” is Planned or Down to Disrepair
In yet another thrilling episode of “Things the Council Won’t Fix,” residents of Peabody Lane have been left pondering the nature of a mysterious new road feature. Some are calling it a speed bump, others are calling it an act of geological violence, but one thing remains clear—it definitely wasn’t there last week.
Drivers are split between slowing down to navigate the ominous terrain and simply accelerating in the hopes of clearing it like a stunt from an action movie. Pedestrians, meanwhile, have taken up a new pastime: gathering on the sidewalk to watch unsuspecting drivers hit the obstacle at full speed, launching their coffee, groceries, and sometimes entire axles into the air.
“I thought the Council had finally installed a traffic-calming device,” said longtime resident Patricia Lewis. “But when I called the Council, they said, ‘Oh, that thing? Yeah, we have no idea what that is, and frankly, we’re afraid to touch it.’”
While some drivers embrace the challenge, others are less enthused. “I just got my suspension fixed last month,” said local commuter Greg Thompson, visibly shaken. “I swear, that thing gets bigger every day. My car now has PTSD.”
Council officials, when asked for comment, quickly changed the subject. “Look, people complain when we don’t do anything, and now they’re complaining when the road does something on its own. We can’t win with you people,” said one representative before backing away into the shadows.
Some experts suggest the “bump” is the result of years of neglected road maintenance, while others believe it might be the larval stage of a sinkhole, just biding its time before swallowing a passing sedan whole.
Despite the Council’s refusal to claim responsibility, one local business has found a way to capitalise on the situation. “We’re selling commemorative ‘I Survived the Peabody Lane Jump’ bumper stickers,” said local entrepreneur Jake Robbins. “Buy one now before the road takes its next victim.”
For now, Peabody Lane remains a living testament to urban neglect, a local landmark, and, most importantly, a test of vehicular faith. Until officials step in—or until the road fully collapses into a crater—the residents will simply have to embrace the adventure.
