Britain’s transport system finally achieves its goal of total standstill.
Transport authorities have announced the indefinite closure of the M79, citing “essential works” and a curious desire to break public morale. Known for its legendary 12-mile standstills and thriving snack van economy, the motorway will shut from tonight, inviting commuters to the exhilarating sport of “Guess the Diversion Route.” Experts advise packing survival rations and preparing for life-altering delays.
Survival Gear Now Essential for Daily Commutes
Sir Nigel Cone, Minister for Transport Mishaps, expressed delight at the new travel challenges. “Why rush to work in 40 minutes when you can spend three hours discovering derelict industrial estates and oddly shaped hedges?” he enthused.
Local driver Beryl Claxon, a veteran of Britain’s gridlock, has laminated her UK map and armed herself with military-grade GPS. “I left home last night for my Tuesday shift,” she reported while cramming her boot with Lucozade and wet wipes. “If I’m lucky, I’ll beat the Christmas rush.”
Detour Dystopia: A307 Now Resemble Post-Apocalyptic Wastelands
With the M79 out of action, the A307—once a road, now a post-apocalyptic encampment—has seen families take up permanent residence at service stations. Local motorist Graham Bumper, three days into a Tesco run, muttered, “I don’t even remember what bread looks like.”
Officials insist the closure is crucial, but when asked about reopening, a Highways spokesperson merely chuckled and vanished behind a wall of traffic cones.
Experts advise embracing the chaos as a chance to practice meditation, expand one’s vocabulary of expletives, and consider investing in a campervan for those inevitable overnight stays.
