The Great British Money Pit Rolls On
In a dazzling display of fiscal genius, the government has approved the Lower Thames Crossing—a £9 billion road tunnel linking Kent and Essex, two places most Brits only see when they’ve taken a wrong turn. It’s being billed as a “game changer” by Transport Secretary Norman Drivel, who’s best known for his revolutionary plan to slow traffic by adding more potholes.
Drivel declared triumphantly, “At last, the good people of Kent and Essex will be able to avoid seeing the outside world altogether. This tunnel will truly revolutionise connectivity between two regions no one asked to connect.”
The Economic Masterstroke
Officials insist the £9 billion will be recouped through a combination of tolls, fines for pulling over to breathe, and lucrative naming rights—rumour has it Greggs and Wetherspoons are fighting it out for sponsorship. After all, Essex residents will soon have unprecedented access to Kent’s slightly posher sausage rolls.
When asked why they opted for a tunnel over a bridge, Chief Engineer Sir Digby Hole-Digger explained, “Bridges are just too obvious. We didn’t want people seeing where their money went. Plus, tunnels are great—so long as no one breathes too hard.”
Reactions have been predictably lukewarm. Essex native Barry Chavlington, a self-styled electronics mogul (mainly dodgy iPhones), grumbled, “Spent me life avoiding Kent, and now they’re making it quicker to get there. What’s the rush?”
Over in Kent, Maureen Twatson took a more optimistic view: “If it’s long enough to block the smell from Essex, I’m all for it.”
A Monument to British Ingenuity
Despite baffled locals and mild public outrage, the government is pressing on, confident that one day, someone might actually use it. Until then, the nation can rest assured that £9 billion is being heroically hurled into a massive underground hole, keeping Britain’s proud legacy of questionable infrastructure projects alive and well.
