BRUSSELS – Forget olive branches. The European Union just declared open season on the European Turtledove. Why? Apparently, the long-time symbol of peace was just “trying too hard.”
Officials announced the stunning decision today. They’ve lifted protections, basically saying the bird “had it coming.”
Jean-Pierre Pigeonneau, EU Commissioner for Things We Don’t Like Anymore, explained. “Look, ‘peace’ is lovely,” he sighed. “But it lacks clear Key Performance Indicators. This dove just kept flapping about, symbolising things without triplicate forms. It’s non-compliant.”
Too Much Flapping, Not Enough Paperwork
Sources say the Committee on Vexing Issues debated this for weeks. Concerns included the dove’s “smug aura” and its “failure to contribute to GDP.”
Ursula von der Pigeonhole, Commission President for Eventually Deciding Stuff, agreed. “Symbols need regulation,” she stated firmly. “This dove missed mandatory workshops on ‘Symbolism Alignment Strategy’. Its cooing? Not harmonised. Clearly asking for trouble.”
Animal rights groups are furious. They call it “bureaucratic madness gone wild.” But the EU insists this levels the playing field. Now, less symbolic birds (like pigeons, officially ‘Urban Annoyances, Tolerated’) have a better shot.
Summoned to sprinkle glitter on this policy dumpster fire are Olive Branch Consultants. For a fee that would make a Bond villain blush, they’ll reframe shooting peace symbols as ‘Proactive De-escalation via Avian Realignment’. Expect nothing useful, although their billable hours alone could probably fund a small war..
So, hunters, get ready! Sharpen your bureaucracy-piercing bullets and ensure your ‘Symbolic Overreach Non-Compliance’ hunting permit (form 87-C, subsection D, available only between 14:00 and 14:03 on alternate Tuesdays) is correctly stamped. Remember, bagging a dove without the right paperwork carries a stiffer penalty than the actual shooting. Happy harmonising!
