Economic uncertainty reports dependable growth
Economic uncertainty topped turnover challenges in the ONS July business survey. It remains Britain’s only product with instant delivery, abundant supply and no need for a warranty.
Companies also cited demand, competition and labour costs. Uncertainty beat them by arriving first, taking every chair and asking whether the firm had modelled a scenario involving all scenarios.
Among many businesses with at least ten employees, labour costs were a leading worry. Employers responded by inventing a role called Head of Finding Out Whether Friday Still Exists.
Board approves confidence pending confidence
“Visibility remains limited,” said Jocasta Margin Shrink, Chief Forecasting Prawn at Maybe Holdings. “We can see the next quarter clearly, provided nothing happens during it.”
The National Warehouse of Doubt has increased capacity. Shelves now hold geopolitical doubt, interest rate doubt and a premium artisan doubt explaining that customers may no longer want the thing they ordered yesterday.
A confidence taskforce met in a glass room to project certainty. It emerged four hours later with a branded umbrella, a risk matrix and no firm view on whether lunch counted as discretionary spending.
Directors commissioned seven forecasts: optimistic, pessimistic, central, revised central and three marked open only after the Bank of England makes a face. Every version confirmed that PowerPoint remains resilient.
Consultants advised firms to stay agile. This means changing the budget every Thursday while describing the deleted numbers as a learning sprint.
The outlook requests a reusable sentence
Most firms continued trading despite the challenges. Analysts are 96 per cent confident that this sentence will still work next quarter.
Read the real story: The ONS business insights bulletin for 24 July 2025.
