Locals demand personal touch for every pit of despair.
Piddlington-on-Sea’s council is diving into the deep end with a proposal to let residents name local potholes for £5 a pop. Dubbed the “Name Your Own Abyss Act,” this initiative aims to raise funds for the “Fund to Definitely Maybe Fix Roads Eventually.”
Leading the charge is Councillor Dorothy Grimshaw, chair of the Committee for Public Pothole Personalization (CPPP), who believes this scheme will foster community spirit through collective suffering. “By naming potholes after beloved public figures or ex-partners, residents can achieve a therapeutic release while simultaneously warning others of the impending doom,” she stated.
Top contenders for pothole monikers include:
- Sunak Sinkhole: A modest dip that unexpectedly drains your budget.
- The Farage Fissure: A divisive crack that keeps reappearing, no matter how often it’s patched up.
- The Meghan Markle Mystery Hole: Appeared suddenly, causes endless debate, and no one can agree who’s responsible.
- The Prince Andrew Pothole: Best avoided; stepping into it leads to a world of trouble.
- The Elon Musk Crater: Massive, unpredictable, and disrupts everything around it.
- The Kardashian Chasm: Shallow but inexplicably attention-grabbing.
- The Greta Thunberg Gap: Small but serves as a stark reminder of the environmental impact of neglected infrastructure.
- The Ronaldo Rift: A flashy hole that causes vehicles to dive dramatically.
- The Adele Abyss: Deep, soulful, and makes you want to turn around and go back.
- The Taylor Swift Trouble Spot: You knew it was trouble when you drove in.
Neighbouring village Lower Splot has also joined the race, proudly unveiling “The Harry and Meghan Divide”—a pothole that splits opinions and chassis alike.
Not everyone is on board. Local activist Marjorie Bickering, head of Stop the Hole-iday Fund, argues, “Naming a pothole does nothing to fix it. It’s like giving a serial killer a catchy nickname – amusing for a moment, but ultimately still lethal.”
Critics also question the scheme’s longevity, noting that several recently named craters have already been filled, leading to premature cancellations. Grimshaw defended the plan, suggesting a Pothole Memorial Plaque Initiative for filled holes to preserve their legacy.
With voting set for next month, Piddlington-on-Sea braces itself for what promises to be the most contentious local policy decision since the infamous “Beach Pebble Colour Standardisation” initiative that divided the community over shades of grey.
