Emergency Subcommittee Formed to Analyse Chocolate-to-Peanut Butter Ratio Impact on National Morale
UPPER PIDDLEWORTH – Forget cars or steel. Britain’s crack team of trade negotiators faces its real challenge: American peanut butter cups. Yes, while global trade teeters, civil servants are locked in a month-long, soul-searching debate. The burning question? Should we slap a tariff on those little chocolatey, nutty delights?
Deep within the Department for Looking Busy (DLB), the Emergency Confectionery Committee (ECC) is grappling with this monumental decision. Headed by the famously meticulous Sir Reginald Paperweight, they’ve held countless meetings. Consequently, they’ve consumed mountains of biscuits (not subject to tariffs, yet). Their mission: analyse the strategic impact of making peanut butter cups slightly more expensive.
Sir Reginald insists this is vital work. “The very fabric of afternoon tea is at stake!” he declared yesterday, adjusting his tie. “Do we tax the two-pack? What about the king-size? These aren’t trivial matters, you know. This requires careful, methodical procrastination… I mean, deliberation.”
The committee includes junior pen-pusher Barnaby Dither and snack expert Penelope Pootle. Reports suggest Barnaby’s meeting minutes now rival War and Peace in length. Meanwhile, Penelope has commissioned studies on ‘optimal melt time’ and ‘peanut-to-chocolate ratio acceptability thresholds’. Because, apparently, that’s crucial national security information.
“We modelled the potential drop in national morale,” Penelope whispered, pointing at a chart displaying a drooping line graph next to a sad face emoji. “The data is alarming. A poorly judged tariff could lead to widespread ennui, possibly even civil unrest during tea breaks.” Therefore, caution is paramount.
Outside the committee room, the actual economy whimpers softly. Major industries plead for attention. However, Sir Reginald remains firm. “Peanut butter cups first,” he stated resolutely. “Everything else can wait. Priorities, people!”
Currently, the ECC is stuck. They cannot agree. A compromise is on the table: maybe tariffs should only apply on alternate Thursdays? Naturally, they’ll need another six weeks to study that properly. The nation holds its breath. Or perhaps just eats a different biscuit.
