UK non financial businesses borrowed £1.2 billion from banks in April, although most of the cash appears to have found companies large enough to own a printer that works. Small and medium sized businesses were broadly flat, which is finance’s way of saying they stayed exactly where they were, only with fresher paperwork and a more confident spreadsheet.
Large businesses borrowed £1.3 billion net, while their annual borrowing growth rose to 5.8%. The figures have been placed on a table marked “business confidence”, where they are being admired by executives who can expense lunch while discussing liquidity. Nobody has yet explained how a company can borrow more than the total borrowed by all companies, but the answer is probably hidden in a footnote wearing a lanyard.
At the Office of Respectful Leverage, economic clerk Margot Decimal said the figures proved that borrowing remained available to firms with “a sufficiently impressive relationship with the word scale”. She explained that small businesses could also apply, provided they first demonstrated three years of growth, flawless cash flow, a spare building and the ability to predict interest rates several months into the future.
Small and medium sized businesses recorded no net borrowing in April. Lenders welcomed this as evidence of stability, while a spreadsheet immediately renamed it “strategic restraint”. Another suggested “disciplined waiting” and was promoted to head of communications before anyone could ask whether the firms had actually wanted the money.
The effective rate on new loans to UK non financial companies rose to 6.39%, while the rate for new small and medium sized business loans reached 6.79%. Finance departments can therefore replace “that seems expensive” with the more professional “we will revisit the opportunity when money becomes decorative”.
Deputy Keeper of Sensible Numbers Alan Ledger said the figures should be read in context. “When a large company borrows, it is investment,” he said. “When a small company asks to borrow, it is an invitation to inspect its childhood, its premises and the moral character of its kettle.” The kettle has since hired an accountant.
Businesses also withdrew £7 billion from banks and building societies in all currencies during April, after depositing £15.7 billion in March. The national balance sheet has adopted the financial strategy of someone checking their account after an expensive weekend: move everything around, call it a position and hope nobody asks what happened.
The calculator has been returned to its drawer and is refusing to work until small firms are allowed to enter “large enough” in the income field. It has also applied for a loan, but the bank wants three years of calculator experience.
Real story: Bank of England.
