A £12m smart factory has confirmed that a 2004 control computer beneath a desk still runs its entire Factory of the Future. Executives now classify it as too important to replace and too frightening to investigate.
Meanwhile, TomorrowWorks Precision Megafactory contains robotic machining cells, automated inspection, AI scheduling, autonomous forklifts and a £600,000 digital twin.
However, all of it ultimately answers to a beige desk computer called Colin.
Staff have not switched Colin off since 2011.
More importantly, nobody knows the password.
“We don’t consider Colin legacy equipment,” said Director of Digital Advancement Martin Cloudstrategy. “We consider him the constitutional foundation of the business.”
The smart factory computer must not be touched
After an apprentice moved the keyboard about four centimetres in 2023, staff painted a yellow exclusion zone around the computer.
Consequently, the factory halted production in three buildings.
Staff now require written authorisation before approaching Colin with:
- magnets
- USB sticks
- compressed air
- system updates
- negative thoughts
A vanished company built MegaMill Control Professional 2.1, which Colin runs using a licence key from a former engineer called Mervyn Keyholder, now believed to be living in Cyprus.
The team keeps one known backup: a recordable CD marked:
DO NOT LOSE! IMPORTANT! NEW ONE!
Engineers investigating replacement options concluded that changing the £90 computer would require replacing fourteen PLCs, nine drives, four HMIs, three robots, the building management system and possibly the factory.
Management therefore approved a £2.6m Colin Life Extension Programme, including a dedicated cooling unit, vibration isolation table and two unopened PS/2 mice stored in a fireproof safe.
Meanwhile, a framed photograph of Gordon Multimeter, the retired controls engineer who last successfully rebooted Colin, hangs beside the workstation.
Emergency instructions beneath it read:
IF COLIN FREEZES:
1. DO NOT PANIC
2. DO NOT RESTART
3. PHONE GORDON MULTIMETER
4. APOLOGISE TO GORDON MULTIMETER
The company’s cybersecurity team has also confirmed Colin is effectively immune to modern hacking because he has never encountered a wireless network and regards Bluetooth as witchcraft.
TomorrowWorks insists the plant remains at the forefront of advanced British manufacturing.
Finally, management has scheduled its next major digital transformation milestone for 2037, when engineers hope to upgrade Colin’s monitor to widescreen.
Sources
Source: Food Engineering: Challenges of upgrading legacy control systems
