The BFI will give Tom Cruise its Fellowship. It will then assign a small British team to stand exactly where he has just been and call it a ceremony.
Tom Cruise BFI Fellowship cannot remain seated
The Fellowship is the institute’s highest honour. It will celebrate Cruise’s film career with a 27-film retrospective. Traditional awards ask a recipient to occupy one patch of carpet while applause occurs nearby. Cruise’s work has spent four decades treating that arrangement as evidence of a trap.
The BFI’s Fellowship announcement describes a career of extraordinary range. It tactfully omits the range in metres between Cruise and the nearest sensible decision.
“He has earned a traditional presentation,” said fictional BFI protocol officer Lionel Clipboard. “The difficulty is that he may complete it while attached to something with a propeller.” Staff have replaced the lectern with a series of increasingly apologetic platforms.
Organisers first suggested placing the Fellowship on a table. A stage manager rejected the idea. In a Tom Cruise film, a stationary object is either a clue, an explosive or about to become both. The award will travel through the auditorium in a padded case. Three ushers will pursue it with a man holding a rope for reasons nobody may discuss.
Safety arrangements gain momentum
The retrospective includes dramas, romances and action films. Audiences can admire Cruise’s versatility, then watch him run past it in several directions. Cinema-goers can find the quiet scenes in the foyer. Staff removed them from the auditorium for their own protection.
Insurance assessors approved the evening on one condition. Nobody may say “just one more take”. A paramedic will sit beside the orchestra. The orchestra now wears trainers.
When Cruise’s name is announced, a runner will take the Fellowship. A second runner will take it from him. Someone will then arrive from the ceiling. The BFI hopes to film the exchange. Failing that, it will exhibit the blur as a British classic.
