A LAWNLAND university has launched a professional gaslighting course for aspiring politicians, with practical training provided by the student finance department.
The first assessment involves a fictional graduate. For ten years, his monthly interest has exceeded his income-based repayments, so the displayed balance now exceeds what he borrowed.
Candidates must persuade him that the problem is his understanding of the statement, rather than anything printed on it.
Tutors award basic marks for explaining interest. Higher marks require describing his frustration as financial illiteracy. A distinction goes to anyone who gets him to apologise.
“Anyone can deny something,” said the course director. “A professional sends you documentary proof that it happened, then asks why you keep imagining it.”
“I got 38 per cent in the first assessment,” said first year student Callum Price. “The tutor explained that it was a distinction, so I apologised for questioning the mark.”
The graduate may bring ten years of payslips. Tutors teach students to praise his preparation. They must then explain that a pile of evidence is no substitute for a positive attitude.
He may ask why nobody explained the risks before he signed. The student finance office will remind him that repayments are based on earnings, not the outstanding balance.
This technically correct answer to a different question forms the basis of the second term.
Later modules cover changing an agreement while insisting it has always worked that way. Another teaches “I understand your concerns” without allowing those concerns to affect anything.
Graduates will also study the standards career of a politician who admits he is lying. It is a rare case in which disclosure and professional development become the same event.
For the final exam, candidates must convince the graduate that his growing debt demonstrates the generosity of a system that has not yet demanded all of it.
Parliament will offer successful students placements. Tutors will refer anyone who questions the exercise for further support with their attitude.
The course lasts three years. The student finance department will continue providing demonstrations while he hands over nine per cent of everything he earns above the threshold for the rest of his working life, after which the remaining debt will be generously written off.
