We got to him just in time,” says Commissioner Sir Nigel Blusterworth, warning the public about the dangers of unchecked opinions.
TATTERWICK, England—Following a pre-dawn operation in which authorities stormed a small East Tatterwick flat and whisked the occupant away to an undisclosed location, Police Commissioner Sir Nigel Blusterworth announced Thursday that officers had uncovered 43 terabytes of free speech on the personal devices of local man Andrew Wyman.
“This should send a shiver down the spine of every right-thinking Briton,” Blusterworth declared, standing solemnly before a table stacked high with confiscated hard drives, notebooks, and dog-eared copies of Orwell. “What we discovered was a sickening hoard of legally permissible opinions, freely expressed sentiments, and—perhaps most horrifyingly—publicly aired grievances. This individual had been engaging in open discourse in full view of the public, as if he actually believed he had some sort of historic, enshrined right to do so.”
Officials confirmed that Wyman had been monitored for months after making several alarming social media posts in which he appeared to be openly communicating his thoughts on current affairs without fear of immediate reprisal. “It became clear he was the sort of deviant who felt emboldened to express his own views, possibly under the delusion that Magna Carta, the Bill of Rights, or some other dusty legal relic would protect him,” Blusterworth continued. “Frankly, the brazenness is appalling.”
The Commissioner went on to commend the officers involved in the raid, noting that they had managed to intervene just before Wyman escalated to the truly unthinkable crime of politely expressing opinions.
