The Lawn, in retrospect
The dates are real. The news is satire.
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Compass Group Loses Its Way; Public Unaware It Existed The FTSE 100 slipped 0.2% today after five consecutive sessions of gains, prompting a chorus of polite nods and murmurs of…
Experts Recommend Layering Parkas Over Hawaiian Shirts Brace yourselves, Britain: the weather has officially lost the plot. In a move more erratic than your aunt’s Facebook rants, temperatures are set…
In a bold move, the UK government has proposed a ground breaking solution to fiscal challenges: encouraging low-income citizens to simply “become less poor.” Officials claim this strategy will both…
The astronaut homecoming has entered its hardest phase: being welcomed by people with lanyards, clipboards and a mandatory wellbeing survey.
Britain’s transport system finally achieves its goal of total standstill. Transport authorities have announced the indefinite closure of the M79, citing “essential works” and a curious desire to break public…
Chancellor Bets the Farm on Economic Recovery—Literally. In a daring bid to revive the UK economy, Chancellor Penny Farthing has unveiled a groundbreaking stimulus package—distributing free ‘Economic Magic Beans’ to…
Experts Baffled as Newcastle Wins Trophy, Universe Demands Explanation In a plot twist that’s left physicists clutching their calculators, Newcastle United have actually won the Carabao Cup, ending a 56-year…
Clairvoyant’s Success Rate Now Rivals That of a Broken Clock In a development that has left statisticians and sceptics alike scratching their heads, self-proclaimed psychic Cassandra Moonbeam has accurately predicted…
Because Pretending to Care About Sports Beats Pretending to Care About Janet’s Cat Stories Ah, 2025—a year teeming with sporting spectacles that serve as impeccable alibis to evade those tiresome…
Lawmakers Question the Value of Their Own Discussions in Marathon Session In a move that has left political analysts both bemused and bewildered, the UK Parliament recently convened a marathon…
