The UK investment partnership with Singapore’s OCBC has unlocked £10 billion of private investment, ministers announced, using the same definition of “unlocked” normally applied to booking a locksmith for Thursday.
UK investment partnership enters the age of almost having money
Britain may receive up to £10 billion by 2030 for energy, infrastructure and property. The cash remains somewhere in the future, wearing a lanyard and waiting to be called through.
The government said the deal proves investors trust Britain. Investors replied that they had signed a memorandum of understanding, not a confession.
“We have converted uncertainty into potential,” said Sir Barnaby Capital Sponge, director general for Numbers That Have Been Briefed. “Potential is ideal. It cannot be spent, lost, taxed or caught leaving Heathrow.”
It is already outperforming the money.
Officials have already listed the schemes that money could transform after it acquires physical form. At the top sits “growth”, followed by a note to ask somebody what that means once everyone has finished clapping.
Property developers detect a smell of capital
Developers responded to the £10 billion by sketching 4,000 luxury flats onto the back of the memorandum. A spokesman said that, if the investment arrives, ordinary people could one day afford to look at the artist’s impression from a bus.
Economists welcomed the announcement because £10 billion is a reassuring number. Beside a minister in a hard hat, it can support an entire afternoon of television without troubling the economy.
The ceremonial key remains the most liquid asset
The government unveiled its key. It opened a velvet box containing a branded pen, another memorandum, and a note confirming that investment would arrive subject to market conditions, commercial decisions, and the continued willingness of verbs to do all the work.
Read the real story: the £10 billion investment announcement.
